How do you get someone else to change their behavior? That’s an ongoing challenge for many of us, whether we’re first line supervisors or colleagues, top level managers or parents. You simply can’t make someone else change unless they have some incentive to change.
Unfortunately what many of us do is identify our motivation for the other person to change, and assume that’s their motivation. For example:
- I ask you not to yell at me because it hurts my feelings (and I assume you care about that).
- I tell you to clean your workspace because I hate starting my shift in your messy space (and I assume you’ll do it just because???)
- You’re told to fill out the medical history form because that’s the physical therapist’s policy before they’ll treat you, but you’re there for a sore leg (and not interested in providing information about other parts of your body).
- You tell your subordinate to stop taking extended breaks (and assume, because you’re the supervisor, he will comply).
All of these sound like reasonable requests and might work if the other person is amenable to doing something a different way. However, if the other person is resistant, they are unlikely to work because the incentive is not there.
So, what do you do when you’re faced with someone who won’t do what you want them to? We are often tempted to threaten…do it this way or else. However, most threats are ineffective – and are ignored. For example,
- If I already don’t like you I may not care if you threaten never to talk to me again if I yell.
- If I know our supervisor doesn’t care whether or not my workspace is messy, your threat to tell her on me (kind of like third grade) will have no effect.
- The likelihood they’ll refuse to treat your sore leg if you don’t fill out their form is…zero.
- And even if a threat might work, it will only work if you’re watching. Without my buy-in, the threat to fire me if I’m late returning from break will only be effective in getting me back on time if I know you’re watching every single time I go on break.
The only really effective way to get someone else to change their behavior when they are resistant is to find a reason they will want to change. I recently saw a brilliant version of this truism at a wonderful restaurant in Colorado. On a card tent on each table was the following small note:
MOBILE PHONE USERS…
Your call is important.
For your privacy,
Please use the lobby area.
That’s absolutely brilliant. We’ve all been annoyed when the person at the next table talks loudly on their cell phone. And we’ve all seen the signs that say “No cell phone use here” or even, “Please turn off your phone while in this area.” And we’ve all seen people ignore these signs because they’re about the establishment and the other customers, not about their need to use the phone. However, this restaurant notice was clearly designed to address the needs and interests of the person using the phone – and there was not a single person in the restaurant on the phone. It works. One of my favorite sayings is, “When you go fishing, what kind of bait do you use? What you like or what the fish likes?” Clearly, that applies to our interactions with people as well as fish. Find what will work as an incentive for the other person, and they will change.
Have you given someone a reason they care about to do something they might not otherwise do? We’d love to hear it! ~Daphne Schneider